Moo Shu Pork
by Lilith-dono
Summary: Sesshomaru, meet Kagome's dysfunctional family. Kagome, meet a night out of hell. Afterwards, let's go get some Moo Shu Pork.


**Moo Shu Pork:**

"Sesshomaru, can you puh-_leease _calm down!" Kagome cried for the fifth time that car ride. Sesshomaru frowned as she waved her hand around, away from the steering wheel, to proclaim that everything would be all right and his twitching would have to cease. "They're just your in-laws! There's nothing bad about it!"

"Besides the fact I haven't _met _them," he argued defensively. "We're a newly wed couple, Kagome, and this meeting determines our relationship."

She snorted in reply, "Nonsense! Sess, my parents don't have that much control over my life! Besides, I'm the one who has to love you, not my parents."

He glared slightly at her as she turned into a small, comfortable neighborhood.

"And you've never told me about your parents until now," he continued. "I thought they weren't alive!"

The little blue-eyed woman turned to her newlywed husband and sighed with a slight smile, "It's all right to be nervous."

"I am _not _nervous," he scoffed. "Merely conflicted that this meeting should've happened sooner before we married."

"Then we shouldn't have had the wedding when we did?" She asked as she turned another corner. "Sess, they were living in Cancun. I'm glad that they actually moved back just because of us."

"You said they just wanted grandchildren," he brooded with a slight frown.

"Well…yes, but…" She sighed as she pulled into a decently sized driveway. "All right, you've got me there."

"Told you," he grumbled as he looked over the decent sized white house. "At least prepare me for what is about to come."

She pouted, "Honestly, I'm not sure. I haven't seen my mother in ten years. She's been living in paradise with her third husband and my little brother. I heard from a card that she even had another little boy."

"You don't even know your younger half brother?" Sesshomaru asked, surprised by the news his wife had forgotten to inform him of. She nodded and took his hand, stroking his knuckles.

"Well, Sess, there's something I'll tell you now since we're here; they're psychotic," she explained simply. "If I didn't put off telling you, you wouldn't have come like you have." She smiled brightly as his jaw dropped slightly.

"Vixen!" He cried, attempting to get the keys from her. She stuck out her tongue with a giggle as she slipped the keys deep within her bra. "…You realize I'm not afraid putting my hands down your shirt?"

"You would in front of my family?" She asked deviously, jumping out of the car door. He quickly followed, grabbing her from behind by the waist. As his hands roamed north on her body, she quickly grabbed his fingers as they rounded her breast. "Sesshomaru, please, I beg of you to make it through this one night! You should at least meet my mother! I'm perfectly at home with your parents; can't you feel at home with mine?"

He frowned at her plea and his hands lowered, but not before he gave her breasts a nice squeeze to know that he expected something later for putting up with her form of torture. She fell back into his arms and smiled sweetly at him.

"Thank you, Sesshomaru."

"You are welcome, Kagome," he mumbled before placing a kiss on her lips. She gave him another sweet, innocent kiss before taking his hand. Pulling him to the door, she rang the doorbell. "…Do they even know we're married?" He asked skeptically. She hesitated for moments, making his eyes widen, "Kagome!"

"I'm sorry!" She squealed. "That's why I needed you for this visit! They think I made you up!"

"…Then why would they move here?" He growled. She rubbed her foot cutely against the ground, looking the blue sandal, before looking up at him with a large pout.

"To marry me off?"

"To who?" He asked, his eyes hardening at the thought of Kagome belonging to any other male.

"A stupid boy I knew from high school. Look, Sesshou-kun, he has nothing on you! You're handsome, and brilliant, and loving, and wonderful, and stupendous, and I love you so, so much…" She cried, pulling his side into a hug. "Don't be angry?"

"…They truly doubt you?"

"Every word I say," Kagome agreed with a sad sigh. "I was a rebel during my earlier years. I didn't listen to a word so they kicked me out at age eighteen. I went to college, met you, and then eight years later we married."

"Is that all?" He asked, running his slender fingers through his long silvery mane. She nodded.

"All that I can think of," she said. Sesshomaru frowned as he raised his eyebrow.

"You will tell me anything else you've forgotten during our meal, yes?" He asked. She nodded.

"Of course!" She then blushed slightly with a smile. "I love you, Mr. Taisho."

He kissed her forehead before murmuring, "Let's get this over with, Mrs. Taisho. I'm sick of waiting with the abdabs."

"Nice word," she commented sarcastically. "Learned that from Crocker, didn't you?"

"High school vocabulary never wears thin," he replied as she pressed the door bell again. When it didn't work, she looked at him with a confused look.

"Do you think it doesn't work?" She asked.

"Well, obviously," he commented, earning a slight glare from his little wife.

"Sesshomaru, cut it out with the snippy little sarcasm, will you?" She asked before sighing. "I guess we'll just have to knock on the door like crazy until someone comes out to get us."

"Why don't we just open it?" He asked. "We'll find them eventually. It'll be easier for them to hear."

"NO!" She cried as he was about to grab the handle of the large wooden door. He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

"Don't do that!" She pleaded. "It won't turn out good if you do!"

"Kagome, relax," he mumbled, rubbing her shoulder before dropping his hand to the handle. "We'll just go in and find your parents."

As she was about to yell at him and beat him off the handle, he placed his hand down firmly. A funny tingling feeling entered his arm before a large bolt of energy flew through his flesh, up his bones, and to his brain. He quickly unleashed the handle, looking at the burnt skin of his palm.

"O, darling!" She cried, looking at the burn. "I tried to warn you! Souta loves jinxing whatever he can!" She pulled out her purse, rumbling through to find some bandages (always needed, since his wife was rather clumsy). She pulled out some medical tape and gauze before putting it on his burn.

He hissed at the contact, "What was that?"

"…I think the handle was hooked up to a battery or something that has some voltage…are you all right? Can you move your arm?" She asked worriedly. He flexed his arm, though it was slightly painful, and nodded to her.

"Kagome, I'm all right. Don't worry your pretty little head," he comforted softly, his golden eyes surveying his bound wound. He looked at the handle and winced at the memory. A small waft of smoke wafted from the brass knob.

"Damn it, Souta!" She cursed. Kagome was about to stomp open the door, but Sesshomaru kept her at bay.

"Love, I'm all right," he whispered, trying to calm her with her special nickname. "It's over and dealt with. Let it go."

"You're hurt…" She mumbled. He stroked her cheek (with his good hand) and flashed her a slight smile.

"You helped me feel much better. Do I have to repeat myself? I'm fine," he reassured. Once he was certain that she felt better, or at least calmed down, her surveyed the door. "How do you suppose we enter a booby trapped house?"

"I don't know," Kagome mumbled, embarrassed to boot. "God, Maru, I'm so sorry…"

When he was about to tell her to relax, the door opened and a dark looking boy stood in the doorway. Kagome took a step forward, blinked, and then smiled.

"Souta? Is that you?" The boy didn't reply, and Sesshomaru received a full look of him. Dark hair, obviously dyed many a time, had a blonde streak through the bangs. He wore a black shirt, baggy black pants, and mascara. "Is that really you? Sweet Jesus…"

"…"

"Can you speak?" Kagome asked. A piece of notebook paper was lifted.

…**You're Kagome?**

Kagome nodded at the boy. "Are you seriously my younger brother?" Darkness (as Sesshomaru had dubbed him) replied with nothing and opened the door more.

"He's pulling a _Little Miss Sunshine_," Sesshomaru commented softly. "Go figure."

The hall was painted a bright yellow, much to Sesshomaru's dismay, and there was a large crash in the background. Kagome jumped into Sesshomaru's arms, scared by the sudden noise, before a little girl came running out from a bedroom, waving a pot pan around.

"Cum back heresy, ya sturpid pig!"

As Sesshomaru held his wife tighter to him, he watched in astonishment that the little girl was chasing an actual piglet. Another crash later and the little girl smacked herself in a wall, the pig running through a little hole carved in from the plaster.

The only statement that Sesshomaru could think at this moment: _What the hell is this place?_

"Souta, watcha doin' out hersy? You knows Papa doesn't want yer answerin' the door 'cause yer a freak and a half!" The girl chirped. Kagome leaned out of Sesshomaru's arms and looked at Darkness.

Souta gave them a look that clearly stated, 'I hate my life' before he motioned for her to follow him. The little girl finally took notice in the couple, and bounced over to them.

"Whos are yas? You hafta be Kagerme, but I don't knows you!"

"Kagome," she corrected with a slight cough. "And who are you, little one?"

"Me is Azusa and dis is my house!" She cried before glaring fiercely at Sesshomaru. "And who dis he? He not welcum heresy!"

"Azusa, precious," Kagome said evenly, holding Sesshomaru's twitching hand. "Could you please direct us to your Mama and Papa?"

"Momsy and Popsicle are in da kitchen mekin' dinners!" She returned to her glare at Sesshomaru. "If yous Kagerme then you get ter merry Unkie Kouga!"

"I'm starting to wish I pulled off your bra when we got to the door," he muttered, earning him an odd inquisitive look from Souta. He ignored it as little Azusa, the child with the worst grammar Kagome and Sesshomaru had ever heard, ran off after the darn piggy she couldn't seem to catch.

When Souta stopped at the end of the hall, a bright blue room replaced it. Two figures stood in the kitchen, arguing very loudly. The woman, Sesshomaru noticed, wore a purple dress and had curly dark hair while the other man was balding considerably.

"SHE'LL BE HERE ANY MOMENT!" Purple dress cried.

"I KNOW SHE WILL! I'M NOT A DUMB ASS!" Baldy screamed.

"THEN STOP ASKING WHEN SHE'LL BE HERE!"

"HER FIANCE WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED, WOMAN!"

Before they could say anything else, Kagome cleared her throat to announce that they, the guests of honor, were indeed there.

The mother, Sesshomaru assumed, quickly plastered a large smile on her face and embraced Kagome. The older man, however, remained where he was with a deep frown on his face.

"How are you sweetie? My, you've gotten big! What size are you now? A C-cup?"

_O Jesus Christ_, Sesshomaru thought as Kagome blushed a deep red.

"Hi, Mother," she replied stiffly.

"You're a lovely young woman," her mother concluded before giving her a darker look. "Is that personality of yours under control?"

"Has been for years, Ma," Kagome replied. "And how are you?"

"Plenty busy! Jeff and I are just loving it here in Japan again! Souta is having a blast too, though he's seemed to stop speaking," her mother cheerfully responded before giving Souta a hardy glare.

Sesshomaru and Kagome gave each other plainly stumped stares. Jeff? His name was Jeff? For heaven's sakes, his name just had to be JEFF?

"I…err…I see…well, I brought someone myself for you to meet. This is Sesshomaru," Kagome announced. Sesshomaru disliked the three pairs of eyes turned to him.

The balding man, Jeff, waddled over to him (his girth was bigger than Sesshomaru expected) and poked him in the chest.

"And what are you doing here, boy? This dinner is for Kagome and her finace," he gruffly declared, his pudgy finger poking into Sesshomaru's chest. He raised an eyebrow, acting oddly cool, as he looked at his wife.

"I have right to be here," he replied, returning the glare that was on him.

"Honey, leave the poor boy alone! Probably one of Kagome's little rebel friends! It's just dandy! Shoo, shoo!" The man left him, going into the other room. Her mother beamed as Kagome smiled uneasily.

"Well, Ma, I wanted to actually announce something to you both…"

"Your step father is all ready in the other room! Chop, chop! Dinner has to be served! When Jeff sits, dinner sits!" The two were pushed into the room Jeff had just waddled into.

"What in God's name is wrong with your family?" He asked fiercely. She gave him an embarrassed look.

"To tell the truth, I have no idea."

With that said, the two looked at the tremendously large table. Her mother ushered her to the head of the table where a young man with a dark ponytail sat. With eagerness in his blue eyes, he leapt from his seat and grabbed her hand.

"Kagome, my dearest, it seems fate has brought us together this fine evening," he told her suavely, placing a kiss on her hand. She raised an eyebrow before saying tiredly:

"How are you doing, Kouga?"

"Tremendously well now that you are here, love," his deep voice rumbled. Sesshomaru clenched his fist in jealousy as his wife just nodded, neither embarrassed or touched by the blue-eyed man's display of affection.

Darkness pushed him down away from Kagome to the farthest end of the table to sit next to him. Sesshomaru frowned at this but took his seat. Beside him was Kouga, and across from Kouga was Kagome. The parents sat on the other side of Kouga and Kagome, while he was stuck next to Darkness, and Kagome was stuck by the crazy grammar child.

"Ma, I want to tell you something," Kagome said, hoping her mother would listen. She was ignored promptly as she began dishing out food.

"Kouga is looking mighty handsome tonight, isn't he, Kagome?"

"Yeah, he's looking just dandy, but Mom, I really have to tell you something important…about this engagement and all?" Kagome asked earnestly. She was ignored once more.

"I know, dear! You're just so excited! Maybe your little friend here could be the best man at the wedding? What do you say, Kouga? Kagome's friends must be your friends!" Her mother jested towards Sesshomaru with a bowl of potatoes. Sesshomaru golden eyes widened slightly as he looked at the dark boy beside him.

"Is your family always this dysfunctional?"

**Every fucking day.**

Sesshomaru nodded, not surprised, "You are a brave man."

**So what is Kags trying to say about you?**

Sesshomaru smirked and tapped the ring on his finger as to hint what Kagome would want to say. The darkly eye-lined eyes widened as he took his hand and looked at the golden band on his finger.

He quickly scribbled on a pad of paper:

**You're her husband?**

"Legally, yes," Sesshomaru answered.

**You live together in a house?**

"A large apartment."

**Mom is going to have a fucking hernia when Kagome announces this. You'll be dead by the end of the night.**

"Joyous day," he murmured sarcastically.

**You're seriously her husband?**

"You're skeptical?" Sesshomaru asked, raising his eyebrows, as he read the pad of paper and Sharpie marker. The boy nodded.

**Kagome lies a lot to us. She doesn't like to associate with Sakura or Jeff. **

"And I wonder why, exactly?" He whispered, earning a soft snigger from Darkness. The two glanced down the table to where Kagome sat, a fake smile on her lips as Kouga drawled on about their engagement.

"Mothe—"

"You want some rice, deary?"

"Please liste—"

"Azusa, put the piggy down, darling, and eat your meal!"

**Take me away from this hell. **

At this message Sesshomaru froze slightly before asking, "How shall I go about doing that?"

**I'm eighteen. Sakura won't let me leave the house like Kagome, and I have no cash. High school is almost done and I need a place to crash.**

"If I had rules, what would you say?" His dark brown irises gleamed as he quickly scribbled:

**I'll do anything.**

"I pity you," he said simply.

**I pity myself.**

"Here, here," he said sarcastically, drinking the glass of water. The little girl glared even more at him.

"No dwinkers at the bable before Popsicle! Yer swo sterpid!"

**The little bitch doesn't know what she's saying half the time. **

"I'll agree."

**So you will get me out of this damnable place? **

"Perhaps. It is up to your older sister. But if you do, my first rule is you must speak. And nearly all the black in your wardrobe must go. If Kagome and I plan to have children anytime soon, their uncle certainly won't be looking like a drag queen. Got it?"

Darkness chuckled so softly that no one but Sesshomaru could hear it. The chuckle became a full out laugh, surprising Sesshomaru. Perhaps Darkness had some sense of sarcasm?

The table became quiet at the noise of Darkness was emitting. Kagome smiled at him, eager that he had made a slight truce with her younger brother, before looking over the stunned mother and step-father.

"You haven't spoken in fourteen months, boy, not even a peep, and this is how you repay us?" Jeff ground out angrily, red filling out his pudgy face. The laughter continued, and Sesshomaru could see the boy clearly had some guts to do this. The fat man looked like he would beat him with a shoe soon.

"Pumpkins, please sit down and enjoy our meal! This is for Kagome and her fiancé Kouga!" Kagome cleared her throat at this time and stood up.

"I'd actually like to say something about that," she said, standing up. Sesshomaru inwardly sighed, _Finally!_

"A toast?" Her mother asked, her eyes in sparkles. "O, darling, a toast for your new fiancé?"

"Ah, my dear, let me make my speech first!" Kouga cried, hitting the glass beside him with a spoon. Sesshomaru cringed at the loud noise and glared at the man sitting next to him. Kagome better give loads of make up sex for this trip was clearly pointless. "Everyone listening?"

**Here he goes again…brace yourself.**

Sesshomaru was bracing himself. Very, very hard.

"Kagome and I grew up together. Our days were filled with love, even then, as we played ball across the street. And then came our elementary days, so full of joy and life…" And so on and so forth. Sesshomaru, at the time, was nearly exhausted by the time Kouga ended with, "Let our marriage be long and may we prosper! And, during that time, let's have abundant amounts of sex to make the perfect family we've always dreamed of."

That ending, however, made Sesshomaru go white with anger. If the other part wasn't tiring, and slightly angering, this certainly took the cake! Sesshomaru Taisho was never a man to grow angry, for he was known for his patience, but this…O was he boiling.

To express his anger he stood up, drawing the attention from the clapping persons oblivious to the marriage Kagome all ready had. He clacked his glass, thanked Kouga, and smirked.

"As…_lovely_…as that speech was, I'd like to take this time to honor my own wife," her eyes widened as he tipped his wine glass in her direction. "Cheers, my dear. Cheers."

As he sat down another uncomfortable silence, even worse than the first, filled the room. Her mother was shocked to the bone, Kagome was blushing profusely, Azusa was glaring at him, and the father seemed to be gripping a hold of his knife in very suggestive ways that signified his murder.

Souta was left away laughing his ass off. Kagome sighed after a few moments.

"It's true, Ma. That's what I've been trying to tell you. While you were in Cancun, Sesshomaru and I married. We were engaged for a few years until we had the wedding…" She looked at the male across from her and smiled sadly, "Sorry, Kouga."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Diborse den!" Azusa cried. "Diborse! Diborse! Diborse!"

"Divorce?" Kagome asked, looking directly into the golden eyes of her husband, "I could never divorce Sesshomaru…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Well, this has been a wonderful visit," Sesshomaru said smoothly. "I hope to see you again soon. Kagome, darling, are you ready to leave?" She quickly nodded at his diversion and stood up.

"Don't weave wid da bad man!" Azusa screamed as Kagome approached Sesshomaru.

"Honey, you aren't leaving with him. Frankly we don't believe you," her mother said seriously. "You've always evaded us…for whatever reason it may be…but we want to make you happy. I don't care what kind of prostitute or hairdresser he is. Let him go home and you'll have a home with Kouga."

"THAT'S IT!" Kagome cried. "YOU PEOPLE ARE SO OBLIVIOUS!"

"DON'T SHOUT AT YOUR MOTHER!" Her mother screeched back, easily as loud. Kagome scowled at her.

"I love Sesshomaru, Mother, and that's it! There's no use trying to make me go change my mind, because Sesshomaru is my present and my future! Tough cookies!"

"STOP LYING!" Jeff bellowed.

Kagome quickly pressed her lips against his for a nice long kiss to prove she was, indeed, in love with her husband and that he, indeed, was in love with her. At this the table was in an uproar. Kagome didn't seem to mind; Sesshomaru was a little perturbed, though.

"DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE KAGOME HIGURASHI!"

"Sorry, but that's NOT my NAME! It's KAGOME TAISHO NOW! DEAL WITH IT!" And with that the screaming continued. Sesshomaru, in his state of confusion, merely watched the sidelines with Souta.

**Dude, you freakin' rock.**

Sesshomaru didn't respond. He was too caught up in the scream-fight his wife and his mother-in-law were commencing in. Kagome and he had yet to have a true fight…he decided, at that point, he never wanted to have a fight with his wife. She'd be too scary to fight back.

"STOP YELLING AT YOUR MOTHER! MY WORD IS RULE IN THIS HOUSE! I AM YOUR FATHER!" Jeff bellowed. Kagome sucked in a deep breath, her anger flaring to its fullest. Before she could go back on her screaming binge, Sesshomaru wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her back to his chest. She turned around and hugged him tightly, burying her head into his shirt.

If Sesshomaru knew one thing from his step-mother, declaring you are the child's true parent in the beginning is a very bad decision. He had to face the anger he felt by beating up his younger half brother—he was afraid Kagome might start crying.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER RIGHT _**NOW**_!" Jeff bellowed. As her shoulders began to shake, Sesshomaru glared at the two. He spared a glance to the sniffling Kouga, who was indeed tormented by this sudden announcement, before returning his hard glare to her mother and step father.

"Kagome and I are leaving. Souta, show us the door," he demanded stiffly. They were about to object when there was a crash on the floor—he had thrown a plate on the floor, shattering it. Turning to Souta, he left, leading his sniffling wife along.

"…and that's why I've always avoided my mom and stepfather," Kagome concluded, wiping the little tears from her eyes. He sighed as he rubbed her shoulder, kissing her cheek.

"I wonder why?" He asked sarcastically, making her smile slightly. He then pulled her into a short kiss before mumbling, "Thank you for not being crazy."

Kagome pulled Souta into a big bear hug, "You're the only one remotely sane, Souta. You've got our real dad's genes in you."

He smiled a true smile and looked at Sesshomaru with a slight shrug. Sesshomaru smiled slightly back.

She sighed, "We better go before Ma storms in here. Let's go, Sess. We'll keep in touch, Souta." Kissing his cheek, he nodded. Sesshomaru shook the boy's outstretched hand.

"Thank you for being sane," Sesshomaru complimented.

"You are going to be the best brother-in-law ever," Souta replied, his voice deeper than anyone would've imagined. The couple stared at the boy before smiling. Everything would be all right. Even if it didn't seem to be okay now, it would be in the future.

Driving home, Kagome sighed.

"Want to get some Moo Shu Pork?" She asked.

"Gladly."

* * *

One-Shot inspired within me at about midnight. Holy God, this is one car-azy family. 

Disclaimer: Do not own characters.

I ask of you: Grammar mistakes. Find. Now.

Last words: Thanks for reading.


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